FUNNY SPORTING QUOTES
"He has got his tactics wrong tactically."
(Mick Quinn)
"He reminds me of a completely different version of Robbie Earle."
(Mark Lawrenson, who is a completely different version of Robbie Earle)
"It's 1-1, an exact reversal of the score on Saturday."
(A Radio 5 Live commentator puts one and one together and gets something other than two)
"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock."
(Barry Venison share’s his unusual dress habits)
"A tremendous strike which hit the defender full on the arm - and it nearly came off."
(An alternative approach to limb removal from Kevin Keegan)
"A win would be better than a draw."
(Denis Law explains the attitudes that made Manchester United so successful)
"Ruud Gullit was able to impose his multi-lingual skills on this match."
(John Motson talks about the language of football)
"At this stage of the season I just tell the players to get points under their bags."
(George Graham)
"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago"
(David Coleman gives us all the impression that football commentators didn’t spend much attention in maths lessons.)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite"
(Murray Walker gets things back to front in Formula One)
"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator."
(John Arlott)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
(Peter Lorenzo tries to convince us all that 22 seconds is more than enough time in which to dominate a game)
“And Arsenal now have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds.”
(Peter Jones)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized."
(Ian McNail gives an insight into why he may have given away that last minute goal)
"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball."
(John Francombe, who would probably make a very interesting snooker opponent)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
(Terry Venables expects a predictable outcome)
"We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival."
(Cork City boss Noel O' Mahony gets his priorities right as his side play on the same day as the Munich Oktoberfest)
"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better."
(Nobody does it better than Ron Atkinson)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat."
(Ron Atkinson sits on the fence)
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
(For those unsure how football spread betting works, Ron Atkinson gives you the low-down)
"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces."
(Another pearl-of-wisdom from Ron Atkinson)
On Tony Adams' alchoholism: "It took a lot of bottle for Tony to own up."
(Most certainly a case of ‘no-pun-intended’ from Ian Wright, or was it?)
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
(Winston Bennett – nor have I Winston,. Nor has anyone else either)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman raises a lot of questions over his family background)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter tries to convince the Health & Safety officers that boxing isn’t that dangerous)
"Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists."
(David Vine)
"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres."
(David Coleman)
"Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of."
(David Coleman)
Dennis Pennis: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
Chris Eubank: "On what ?"
(Chris Eubank, who is clearly not a keen literary critic)
"To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch."
(Ruud Gullit)
"For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip."
(More useful information from John Motson)
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
(David Acfield get’s to grips with technology)
"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona"
(Mark Draper, who presumably isn’t considering a post-football career as a geography teacher)
“An inch or two either side of the post and that would have been a goal.”
(Training tips from Dave Bassett, which suggest why he couldn’t get any goals out of Ade Akinbiyi)
“Ardiles strokes the ball like it is part of his own anatomy.”
(Jimmy Magee, RTE)
“Gary always weighed up his options, especially when he had no choice.”
(Kevin Keegan)
“This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother.”
(Ted Walsh)
“I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.”
(Cultural awareness, courtesy of Ian Rush)
“Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.”
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)
“Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.”
(David Vine)
“Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.”
(David Coleman)
“Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.”
(Metro Radio)
“..and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs ...”
(Sue Barker)
“Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.”
(David Coleman)
Grand National winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald: 'Sex is an anti-climax after that!'
"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class."
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
"...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion."
(John Arlott is presumably shocked at actions which just aren’t cricket)
"These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them."
(Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)
“I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.”
(George Best, living the dream)
“What will you do when you leave football, Jack - will you stay in football ?”
(Stuart Hall)
“Tonight on European Football Special, Southampton vs Manchester United.”
(David Coleman – in some respects, he was right)
“Wilkins, with an inch perfect pass to no-one in particular.”
(Brian Moore)
“There will certainly be a lot of question marks asked about the Arsenal defence there.”
(Brian Marwood: Numeracy, geography, grammar – anything else we can add to the list of things that commentators aren’t particularly good at?)
“That's great, tell him he's Pele and get him back on.”
(John Lambie, Partick Thistle manager, when told a concussed striker did not know who he was)
“Newcastle, of course, unbeaten in their last five wins.”
(Of course they were, Brian Moore)
“What I said to them at half time would be unprintable on the radio.”
(Indeed it would, Gerry Francis)
“John Harkes going to Sheffield, Wednesday.”
(New York Post)
“If I walked on water, my accusers would say it is because I can't swim.”
(Berti Vogts)
“I was about to say, before something far more interesting interrupted . . .”
(John Motson)
“The only way we will be going to Europe is if the club splash out and take us all to Eurodisney.”
(Dean Holdsworth optimistically assesses Wimbledon’s prospects for the new season)
“I was shocked when I was first introduced to the fans because they brought out a sheep, cut its head off and then smeared blood over my forehead.”
(Manchester United's Ronnie Johnsen on life with Besiktas, Turkey)
“If the players want to make it hard for me, I am happy to make it twice as hard for them.”
(Wendy Toms gets to grips with becoming football’s the first female referee)
“The score is Sunderland nil, Leicester nil, the temperature is nil and the entertainment value is not much above nil.”
(Sunderland v Leicester, Radio 5 Live)
“This is an unusual Scotland side because they have good players.”
(Spanish coach Javier Clemente strikes himself off the Christmas card lists of Gordon Strachan, Kenny Dalglish, Ally McCoist and John Collins.)
“It's sod's law. Now I've got time to improve my golf it's the wrong time of year.”
(Howard Wilkinson looks on the bright side after being sacked)
“I know where he should have put his flag up, and he'd have got plenty of help.”
(Ron Atkinson, the referee’s friend)
“We signed to play until the day we died, and we did.”
(Jimmy Greaves comes back from the dead)
"I'm a prince and I'm sort of slaying a dragon, which is something I've never done before, obviously."
(David Beckham on his role as a dragon slayer in a new Disney ad).
"The Dragons are one point away from 50 - 48-0 the score."
(Gareth Charles during the Leinster-Scarlets game)
"Its always good to get a leg over."
(Commentator John Part at the darts)
"Rooney's touch is so good it's like he's got velvet gloves on his feet."
(Classic Iain Dowie on Match of the Day)
"If it doesn't go right tonight, Wenger has another leg up his sleeve."
(More unusual changing-room rituals)
"We grow our players at this club, we don't have a greenhouse in the back because we can't afford it, we're more of a microwave club."
(Watford manager Aidy Boothroyd)
"I’m one of these weirdos that believes in possible impossibles!"
(Aidy Boothroyd dreams the impossible dream)
"One bus! You've only got one bus!"
(A chant made by the Aberdeen fans to the very few Kilmarnock fans that travelled up north to see their team get beat).
"I am not sure exactly why the winter break started but I'm sure it has something to do with the weather."
(Owen Hargreaves discussing the Bundesliga winter shutdown)
"Whenever these two teams meet it's always a great game. But it wasn't a great game."
(Lee Dixon on the United-Arsenal match)
Lawro: "I'll tell you something, Vidic looks good too."
Green : "Well I didn't fancy him at first but..."
(Mark Lawrenson and Alan Green while commentating on Man Utd-Arsenal)
"Look how young they look. I hope the physio has some Calpol in his bag."
(Mark Lawrenson on Radio Five Live before Arsenal's kids thrashed Liverpool 6-3 in the Carling Cup)
"Hunt has proved on a few occasions that he's a clever type, and his challenge on Nick Montgomery earlier in the game wasn't clever either."
(Neil Warnock's thoughts on intelligence)
"To beat Federer you need a big weapon and Gonzales has a big weapon."
(Ross Case, advocating the use of unauthorized equipment in tennis)
"The league is all about the league, the cups are the cups."
(Ray Houghton on TalkSport talking about Liverpool's form)
"He's a typical winger in that he's not brave and tackling's not a strong point - although he's not afraid to go into a tackle."
(Les Ferdinand on Ashley Young)
"The only problem for Chelsea at the moment is that they are 2-0 down."
(Andy Gray on Sky Sports during the Liverpool-Chelsea game) CHANTS OF THE WEEK
Newcastle fans to West Ham fans: "Going down, going down, going down."
West Ham fans to Newcastle fans: "So are we, so are we, so are we!"
"You might have Steve Jones - but we own our homes!"
(Ulster fans remind Llanelli supporters about the favorable house prices in Ireland)
"They didn't change positions, they just moved the players around."
(Terry Venables)
"What disappointed me was that we didn't play with any passion. I'm not disappointed, you know, I'm just disappointed."
(Kevin Keegan, who’s post match interviews were a bit, you know, disappointing)
"The new season will be all about scoring more goals than the opposition."
(Who told Alvin Martin that football was a complicated game?)
"If Glenn Hoddle said one word to his team at half-time, it was concentration and focus."
(How did Ron Atkinson keep getting TV gigs?)
"They (Swindon) are still finding that they are much happier when they have the ball than when the other side has it."
(Ron Jones)
"We deserved to win this game after hammering them 0-0 in the first half."
(Kevin Keegan, presumably he “loved it”?)
"Without being too harsh on David, he cost us the match."
(More fence-sitting, this time from Ian Wright)
"You can see the ball go past them, or the man, but you'll never see both man and ball go past at the same time. So if the ball goes past, the man won't, or if the man goes past, they'll take the ball."
(Ron Atkinson – definitely past it)
"Eighty per cent of teams who score first in matches go on to win them. But they may draw some – or occasionally lose.”
(More invaluable sports spreading advice, this time from David Pleat)
"Chile have three options - they could win or they could lose."
(Kevin Keegan – yet more advice on how online sports betting works)
"Barnsley have started off the way they mean to begin."
(Chris Kamara)
“Jimmy White's really got his potting boots on this afternoon.”
(Ted Lowe)
“He'd have got that ball 99 times out of a thousand.”
(John Spencer)
“And we don't need a calculator to tell us that the run-rate required is 4.5454 per over.”
(Christopher Martin-Jenkins shows that not all commentators suffer from numeracy problems….)
Think of a number between 10 and 11."
(….But Ron Atkinson shows that some commentators still haven’t quite grasped it)
“Ian Botham was next to go; he got a short-ball from Ambrose, and just failed to get his leg over.”
(One of cricket’s classic quotes from Jonathan Agnew)
"England have the best fans in the world and Scotland's fans are second-to-none."
(A diplomatic Kevin Keegan tries to make peace between rival fans)
"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, fully embracing the idea of racial equality back in 1991.)
Christopher Martin-Jenkins: We've just heard that Javed Miandad is not on the field as he is tired after his marathon innings.
David Lloyd (loudly off-mike): He's f*cking what?
“There's Neil Harvey standing at slip, hands on knees, legs apart, just waiting for a tickle.”
(Brian Johnston, Radio 4 Test Match Special)
“Now it's the final of the Womens 400 metres hurdles; 3 Russians, 2 Germans, 2 Bulgarians and a Frenchman.”
(David Coleman raises questions over another possible case gene doping in athletics)
“For those of you watching in black and white, the green ball's the one behind the brown.”
(Ted Lowe takes lessons from John Motson, or visa-versa)
“Two Andy Gorams, there's only two Andy Gorams.”
(Kilmarnock fans to the Rangers keeper after he had been diagnosed with mild schizophrenia)
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